[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[engine roaring]
[overlapping chatter]
[man groans]
Male announcer: This is the...
- Help me! Help!
[dramatic music]
Announcer: Starring...
[gunfire]
[shattering glass]
With your...
[engine roaring]
[tires squealing]
The...
And now, please welcome your roastmaster, seth macfarlane!
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hello. How is everyone?
I am seth macfarlane, the creator of family guy.
[cheering]
And I am here to salute
The greatest cartoon character of all time...
[laughter]
David hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
How do you make jokes about a joke?
[laughter]
How do you embarrass a man
Who so thoroughly embarrasses himself?
How do you put someone down
When they're already lying shirtless on the floor?
[laughter]
Well, that's what we're gonna do tonight,
With the help of these d-list celebrities.
[laughter, cheering, and applause]
W're joined tonight by the likes of george hamilton,
Hulk hogan, jerry springer...
[cheering]
This looks like the waiting rom for a liver transplant.
[laughter]
And look at this, I's amazing--
Pamela anderson and lisa lampanelli
In the same room.
The most and least downloaded women on the internet
Together in the same room.
It's somethi', isn't it?
[laughter]
And of course, we have tonights guest of honor himself.
Now, there's no denying this man's impact on our society.
From knight rider to baywatch
To america's got talent, to his world-famous singing,
Davi's career has, unfortunately,
Been an unstoppable force that has circumnavigated the planet.
And with so many different talents,
It's no wonder that david has blazed a trail--
A trail that weaves off the pch and into a pole.
[laughter]
Tonight, david will be subjectd to the most brutal, painful,
Humiliating moments imaginable clips from his acting career.
Take a look.
Shall we, as they say, "go for it"?
- Let's.
- All right, let's hit it!
♪ ♪
- Not a bad lookin' guy, huh?
- 'm david hasselhoff.
- Hooray!
♪rock music plays♪
- I'm a lifeguard.
- It's my boss, mom.
- Mitch. Mitch buchannon.
Come on, push! Push!
It's a little boy.
It's a little baby boy!
- What about germany? I mean...
How do the--how do the germans feel about ya?
German crowd, chanting: Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff!
German announcer: David hasselhoff is here!
♪
♪ indistinct lyrics ♪
[cheering]
- Damn this beautiful face of mine.
[explosion]
- You're my buddy. - The feeling's mutual.
- How 'bout a little turbo boost?
Would you like an autograph?
- Whatchu talki' about, knight rider?
- ♪ indistict lyrics ♪
- Can you say, "david hasselhoff"?
- ♪ indistinct lyrics ♪
- David hasselhoff.
- [slurred/muffled] this is a mess.
You said... - No, I won't.
- What?
- Tell me you're going to stop.
- I'm going to stop.
- The big hasselhoff himself-- david hasselhoff!
Come on! - This is talent!
Well, this is called america's got hasselhoff.
- ♪ he was the knight rider, then on baywatch ♪
♪ and he's got more money than you've ever had ♪
♪ david hasselhoff ♪
- Hats off to hasselhoff!
- ♪ david hasselhoff ♪
- David hasselhoff!
- Some things never change.
- ♪ david hasselhoff says fuck you ♪
- You done good, hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
- And now, please put your hands together
For a man who is a colossal hit in germany,
A country known for making rational decisions...
Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend, david hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ ooga chakka ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga chakka ooga ooga ♪
♪ ooga chakka ooga ♪
♪ I can't stop this feelin' deep inside of me ♪
♪ girl, you just do't realize what you do to me ♪
♪ when you hold me in your arms so tight ♪
♪ you let me know everything's all right ♪
♪ I'm hooked on a feeling ♪
♪ and I'm high on believin' that you're in love with me ♪
♪ yeah ♪
- ♪ hooked on a feeling ♪
- ♪ and I'm high on believin' ♪
Hello! [speaking german]
[cheers and applause]
Danke schoen!
Thank you! Ah!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, buddy.
Whoo-hoo!
[audience shouting]
- What an entrance.
Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch.
Take off your hair so I can run my fingers through it.
You look great.
[laughter]
You know, david... Here's the thing.
Some people call you
A washed-up, talentless pile of crap.
Just... Just a terrible human being.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight,
And let's get started...
[laughter]
With the roast.
David, your--your acting is like inception.
There's no sense of reality,
It's impossible to follow wha's happening,
And midway through,
We realize you were unconscious the whole time.
[laughter]
You know, I'll tell you though, my friend,
You will always be mitch buchannon from baywatch to me.
[cheers and applause]
This is a show that did for lifeguards
What skin cancer did for lifeguards.
[laughter]
Yes, for all his achievements,
For all this man's many achievements,
It was really baywatch that me david a global celebrity.
David had an important role-- an important role on baywatch.
His job was to kill boners.
[laughter]
But david is more than just a terrible actor.
[laughter]
He's also a terrible singer.
He's...H's the only singer in history
Whose auto-tune just said, "fuck it."
[laughter]
Now, as you saw from his big entrance,
David is hooked on a feeling...
The feeling he gets from six vicodin.
[laughter]
Recently, however, he...
Hasn't had "time" to do another huge singing event.
Just like matt damon and ben affleck
Haven't had "time" to write another screenplay.
Or anderson cooper
Has't had "time" to find that special lady.
[laughter]
[cheering]
- [laughs]
David hasselhoff has even inspired his own drinking game.
Here's how it works.
You be david hasselhoff
And you drink yourself out of the business.
And the hoff is multilingual. Now, you may not know this.
He can speak, uh, what, english, spanish, german,
And whatever the fuck that language was
In that cheeseburger video.
[laughter]
It is worth noting that that whole cheeseburger thing
Kind of only made him more popular in germany
Because they love videos of half-naked people
Shitting themselves.
Yes, david...
My friend, you have done it all.
- Thank you.
- You've gone from baywatch to deathwatch.
And I think...
I think I speak for everybody here when I say
That what we remember most of all about you...
Is pam anderson's tits.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[as stewie griffin] "there they are!"
[laughter]
[cheering]
"pam anderson's tits are right there!"
[cheers and applause]
[laughs]
[normal voice] and now let's bring out our first roaster.
This is someone else hollywood wants nothing to do with--
Lisa lampanelli.
[cheers and applause]
She's what you might call a sexually progressive woman.
Her--her vagina is like clorox 2--
Safe for whites, but really made for coloreds.
[laughter]
[cheering]
I mean, it's--it's okay for me to do that joke,
Because some of my best friends are white.
[laughter]
Please welcome "the dairy queen of mean," lisa lampanelli!
[cheers and applause]
- Mwah!
[laughs] that was great.
Oh, come on, big hand for seth macfarlane!
[cheers and applause]
Come on!
His head is as big as my twat.
[laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight
To honor a man whose career has spanned
Nearly four decades in entertainment--
Mr. David hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
Looking at this turnout, david,
I can honestly say that you deserve better.
Seth macfarlane!
Jeffrey ross!
Jerry springer!
I haven't seen this many geeks
Since I gang banged the cast of glee.
[groaning]
This dais stinks.
Usually, I feel bad that guys don't want to pork me.
Tonight, I feel lucky.
But I digress.
David hasselhoff is a legend!
[cheers and applause]
A giant in television and music.
David, your singing is huge in germany.
If they had played your music in auschwitz,
The jews would've sprinted for those ovens.
I'm sorry, david. I just don't get your music.
I've heard that when the u.S. Army wants to torture an enemy,
They play metallica.
Well, when they want to torture metallica,
They play david hasselhoff.
David hasselhoff started his career
On the young and the restless.
Now, he's known as "the old and the shit-faced."
[laughter]
Man, david, were you ever a drunk!
I don't wanna say david drank a lot,
But his liver was so black and bloated,
It could have starred in precious.
[laughter]
David hasselhoff's liver is so black,
It's fucking two of the kardashian sisters.
[laughter]
[applause]
Hmm, look at that old, wrinkled brown thing over there.
Is that george hamilton or oprah winfrey's pussy?
[laughter]
Well...
I'll be--
It is george hamilton.
Oh, well, there goes my dead pool.
I joke, george. You look terrific.
And tanner than ever.
In fact, your skin reminds me of my first gucci leather bag.
It's true; whenever I run into george,
I stick my hand up his ass and look for my car keys.
It's no coincidence george hamilton loves the sun.
They were born in the same year.
[laughter]
The difference is, the sun is actually a star.
[crowd groaning]
[cheers and applause]
In fact, george, you're the closest thing
We have to a black on the dais.
Oh, that's not because of your skin color.
It's because you're a terrible father,
And you haven't worked in 20 years.
[crowd groaning]
- Well, I have to say good night and fuck it.
Fuck it, I'm out of here. Fuck it. Good night.
First of all, I'm gonna sock yu right in the...
- Don't forget your walker.
[laughter]
Oh, it's good to see my old pa, pam anderson, here tonight.
I love ya, pam.
What's the story with your tits?
They're big, they're small, they're big.
You've had more surgeries than roger ebert!
[groaning]
It's a roast, assholes!
[laughter] - it's called ovulating.
- Speaking of worthless americans, hulk hogan is here.
[cheers and applause]
Hulk, you were the greatest wrestler ever!
Hulk hogan became the world champion by being the first man
To escape the iron sheik's camel clutch.
That was great.
Now, if only you had been smart enough
To escape your wife's camel toe...
- Oh! - You'd be a lot richer.
[laughter]
In fact, hulk...
[laughter]
Listen!
It's the sound of a 19-year-old's balls
Hitting your ex-wife's chin.
- Oh!
[laughter, groans, and applause]
Oh!
- [laughs]
But enough about this cast
Of "the real has-beens of orange county."
We're here tonight to roast a man
Whose career has crumbled worse than downtown haiti...
Mr. David hasselhoff.
Yes.
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff's career has become such a huge disaste,
I just saw an oily pelican fly out of his ass.
[laughter]
And you quit that cushy gig as a judge on america's got talen.
What's wrong with you, man?
That was the worst career move
Since mel gibson bought his girlfriend that tape recorder.
[laughter]
In closing, you, david hasselhoff,
Are an inspiration.
Early in your career when people said,
"david, you can never be a serious actor,"
You said, "yes, I can."
[choking up] when they said, "david,
You can never be a great singer."
Again, you said, "yes, I can."
[fake sobs] and when people said,
"david, you can never be respected in entertainment,"
A third time you said, "yes, I can."
Well, david, simply put...
You couldn't, you didn't, and you're a douche.
[laughter and applause]
But don't worry, david, you can always be my baywatch bitch.
Thank you very much, david hasselhoff.
[cheers and applause]
- Our next presenter, george hamilton,
Is known for his acting suave and his perpetual tan.
It's amazing. He was in roots as a white gu.
[laughter and groans]
I'm not makin' that up.
Here to answer the question, "what can brown do for you?"
Ladies and gentlemen, george hamilton.
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, yeah.
[crowd cheering]
I know what you're all thinking--
"george hamilton has no busines being on that stage.
He's a movie star."
[laughter]
Truth be told, I'm not exactly sure
What I'm doing here tonight,
Which is the only thing I have in common with david hasselhof.
[laughter]
Now before I begin, I've been asked
To read an announcement.
Please turn off all your cell phones.
We don't want anyone getting calls
So we can all experience what it's like
To be gilbert gottfried.
As you can tell, I'm a classically trained acto,
But even I can't act like I gie a shit about these people.
[laughter]
Nevertheless, we're all here to make fun
Of this beloved icon, david hasselhoff.
Except for hulk hogan.
He's here to break down the set after the show.
[laughter]
You know, whenever I attend an event like this,
My first order of business is to choose
Whom I'll be taking home to ravish upon my waterbed.
[laughter]
Whitney cummings...
How I would make sweet love to you.
But alas, I'm just an old man with perfect vision.
[laughter and applause]
And I suspect you might be too.
[laughter]
You know, I was talking to jeffrey ross backstage
Because I felt sorry for him.
Did you know that jeff's jokes are so old...
Between the set-up and the punch line
They have to get up to use the bathroom.
Ooh, yeah.
Going down the river to get a sack of cats.
Well, hello, dino.
Okay, seriously, jeff.
If I could give you one bit of advice...
- Yeah?
- Less roast master, more stairmaster.
Now greg "geraldo."
I know it's giraldo, but I just don't give a shit.
The "g" is silent just like your audience.
You know, when I look at the dais,
It's obvious this roast needs me.
I'm the only man up here who can pull off an ascot.
Well, hulk hogan can pull off an ascot,
But let's be honest-- he's more likely
To pull off his trousers and silk thong first.
[light laughter]
Perhaps I'm being a tad subtle here, hulk.
I'm calling you a fag.
[laughter]
Oh, jesus. All right.
David, I've followed your career
From the very beginning of tonight.
[laughter]
And it's truly incredible.
Like all the hollywood greats,
David often speaks of himself in the third person,
As in, "don't hassle the hoff"
Or, "the hoff needs his stomach pumped."
[laughter]
And, "damn it, hoff,
Where are you gonna hide the dead hooker?"
Well, why don't you hide her in your movies?
She'll never be seen again!
[laughter and applause]
Oh, yeah.
[laughs] this is an incre--
This is really an incredible evening, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, you--you see a guy like this, and you realize
He's been in over 5,000 hours of television.
[cheers and applause]
Double that
If you count the liquor barn surveillance cam.
[laughter]
But it doesn't matter,
Because he's made so much money from baywatch,
He never has to work again.
Still, he refuses to take the hint.
[laughter]
David, I hope you've enjoyed this.
I-I-I-I just can't tell because of your botox.
[laughter]
Could you blink three times if you had fun?
Great!
Congratulations, david.
[cheers and applause]
You're a great sport.
You're loved by millions.
And I just wanna say this from the bottom of my heart--
Hulk hogan is a fag.
[laughter and applause]
- You killed it.
[applause]
- Our next presenter, jeffrey ross,
Puts the "fat jew"
Back in the phrase "fat fucking jew."
[laughter]
Jeffrey ross shortened his name for show business.
I don't know if you know this.
His real name is jeffrey ross isn't funny.
Please welcome a man
Who is as unbecoming as he is hilarious--
Jeffrey ross.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music playing]
- Yeah!
Yeah!
♪ ♪
Thank you, baby.
♪ ♪
Come on!
♪ ♪
Thank you, buddy. - Yeah, you bet.
- Thank you very much.
♪ ♪
[music ends] oh, my gosh.
All right, here we go.
You guys wanna hear some dick jokes?
[laughter]
I invented a drink just for you tonight.
It's called a "sucks on the beach."
L'chaim.
I gotta tell you, hoff,
I'm so relieved you're wearing a shirt tonight
Because that'll be easier than picking vomit
Out of your chest hair later.
Oh, but we must pay gratitude
To tonight's great roast master, seth.
Great job tonight, man.
[cheers and applause]
Great job. Seriously.
A man of a thousand voices, all of them stewie!
[laughter]
Oh, seth, by the way, south park called.
They want their everything back.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
Anyway, folks, as you know,
I only roast the ones I love...
And david hasselhoff.
[laughter]
Finally a jew gets to roast a german.
Heil hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
The only difference between hasselhoff and hitler..
At least hitler knew when his career was over.
[laughter]
Oh, why do the germans love you so much, huh?
Maybe it's because you fill the entertainment void
Left by anne frank.
[laughter and groans]
Aw, too soon?
[laughter]
You bragged that you performed at the fall of the berlin wall.
I don't know if I'd take it as a compliment
If people tore down barriers to flee the sound of my voice.
Oh, I must admit, I really did love you
In that cheeseburger commercial you made.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Seriously, hoff, how's that chain
Of all-you-can-eat-off-the-flor restaurants comin' along?
[laughter]
You know, it's kind of ironic
You made millions playing a lifeguard,
Because every night you drown in your own sorrows.
[laughter]
The hoff once blew into a breathalyzer,
And the breathalyzer said, "whoa, whoa.
One at a time, people!"
[laughter]
Where's my knight rider fans? I know you're out there.
Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
What a lucky break.
What are the odds an alcoholic gets cast in a show
About a car that drives itself?
[laughter and applause]
That's a good one, huh? That's a good one.
- I like it. Roast.
[laughs] oh!
- I heard the hoff once got so drunk,
He fucked kitt in the "gashole."
[laughter]
"no means no, michael."
[laughter]
But baywatch, that was always my favorite.
That was always my favorite.
I think you should have gotten a special emmy
Just for holding your stomach n for 12 seasons.
[laughter]
By the end, you had the biggest tits on the show.
[laughter]
And by the end, you actually dd run in slow motion.
[laughter]
Ah, and here's my other childhood hero right there,
The great hulk hogan-- what a cool guy.
[cheers and applause]
Lookin' good, brother!
This guy's been wrestling so long,
The first time he pinned a guy,
They counted it down in roman numerals.
[pounding podium] "I,
"I-I,
I-I-I."
[laughter]
- Oh, god.
- Look at you. You look like dog the pastrami hunter.
[laughter]
- Oh, god, he's killing me.
[laughter]
- A lot of people don't know this, but, uh...
- Oh, god.
- Hulk hogan's real name is...
All: Terry.
- Terry. Even less people know this.
Lisa lampanelli's real name?
Hulk.
[laughter]
There she is, lookin' as beautiful as never.
[laughter]
And, of course, there's my friend, jerry springer,
A man who bathes in the tears of poor people.
[laughter]
What a life. What a life this guy had!
He was mayor of, uh, what? Cincinnati was it, jerry?
- Yeah.
- Then he got busted with a prostitute.
I mean, really,
Who the hell pays a hooker with a personal check?
[laughter]
That's like--that's like--
That's like paying a hooker with a personal check.
[laughter and applause]
Of course pam's here,
Because pam and the hoff have so much in common--
They both made embarrassing videos
With meat stuffed in their mouths.
[laughter and groans]
[cheers and applause]
Wha! Wha! Wha!
[laughter]
Hoff, I know you think you're so clever,
How you manage to insert the word "hoff" into everything--
Everything except the sentence,
"hey, I've been "hoffere' a job."
[laughter and applause]
Oh!
Whoo! Whoo!
Hoff, of course the last time we all saw you,
You were sitting beside that mangled slab of hamburger meat.
I believe her name is sharon osbourne.
Is she here?
Oh, then fuck her.
Oh, what a treat.
The hoff's beautiful daughters, hayley and taylor ann, are her.
Give them some love.
[cheers and applause]
So cool you came out for your dad.
Apparently they're aspiring, uh, singers.
You know, they say talent skips a generation,
So you're probably awesome.
[laughter]
And, hoff, the truth is, everybody loves you,
And we'll all be rooting for you
As you take the next big step in your career...
Which will probably be later when you fall off the stage.
[laughter]
Thanks for being a good sport tonight,
And I hope you find work soon.
Heil hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, buddy. That was really fun.
That was really, really, really, really fun.
Thank you, buddy. That was so much fun.
- Hi, david. It's sharon.
Do you remember me? We used to work together.
- David, we're so sorry we can't be there with you,
But we still have jobs.
[laughter]
- Now, david, it's important,
Really important that you understand,
We're not the ones that got you kicked off this show.
- No, no, it was very much a group decision, david,
Involving the producers, the network...
- Millions of text messages.
- Oh, and that octopus
That picked all the world cup winners.
- That's right. Yeah.
I mean, look. Let's be honest here.
It was our initial concept, wasn't it, sharon?
- But it all kind of ran away with itself.
- And now the critics just won't stop complaining
It's been our best season ever.
But hey, david, let's not play the blame game.
It's not your fault we're doing so much better without you.
- Oh, and just one more thing, david.
Have you pissed yourself yet on the plane?
[laughter]
Do you remember you did that,
Pissing yourself on all those planes?
You don't have to do that anymore.
- 'cause you've got nothing to be ashamed of, david.
- Nothing. And when you think about it,
You've kind of come full circle.
- Well, yeah, because you started on knight rider,
A show about a car, and now you live in one.
[laughter]
- Congratulations, david. We love ya.
- We do.
[cheers and applause]
- Our next roaster is an athlete, a performer,
And a father.
And, hulk, may I say, your daughter, brooke hogan,
Has blossomed into a very, very beautiful young man.
[laughter]
- Oh! That ain't right.
[laughter]
- Hulk, later on when these jokes are explained to you,
You're gonna be so pissed.
Um...
Please welcome the next great sports star to die,
Hulk hogan!
[cheers and applause]
[hulk hogan's theme song, real american playing]
- Seth macfarlane, everybody. Come on, guys!
You know, seth, I've got a storyline
For your next episode, brother.
Check this out.
[flatulence]
You know, brother, you can probably make a whole
Christmas special out of that.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
- Time for war.
- Whoo!
- Hey, lisa! How's it goin', brother?
[laughter and applause]
Hey! Dude!
You know, I haven't seen you
Since you beat my ass in wrestlemania iv.
[laughter and cheering]
Of course, back in those days,
Lisa wrestled under the name "andre the va-giant."
[laughter]
You know, I'm not gonna mess around with that jeff ross guy.
You know, his people are double tough.
The one time I tangled with a jew,
My ex-wife got half my shit.
[laughter and applause]
Of course, I recognized jeff backstage.
His face all puffy, red, and stubbly.
He looks like something pam anderson...
[laughter]
I'm sorry. Do I have to say this?
[laughter]
- You can say it. - Okay.
- All right.
- [clears throat]
He looks like something
Pam anderson had burned off her pussy lips.
[laughter and applause] - oh! Oh!
- You know, guys, I'm just kidding.
This woman is a legend-- the sex symbol of her era.
[cheers and applause]
- Now--aw. [laughs]
- Pam anderson has been in the pages of playboy
More times than greg giraldo's semen.
[laughter]
The great jerry springer is here.
[cheers and applause]
You know, his show always starts
With the crowd chanting, "jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!"
All: Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
- What they don't show is the announcer asking,
"who's the sleaziest
Needledick scumbag in television?"
All: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
- [chuckles] - well, speaking of something
You don't wanna see in the daytime,
Whitney cummings is here.
[laughter]
You know, this roast is a huge deal for whitney.
She got her first taste of celebrity backstage
When george hamilton came in her mouth.
[all groaning]
- Too soon! Too soon! - Too soon?
- Too soon.
- Hey, what do I know? I'm not a comic, brother.
[laughter]
Seriously, hoff...
Brother, doesn't it bother you that your career
Is in the same toilet that lisa drinks out of?
[laughter and groans]
But, brother, I love you, man,
And I hope you keep on doing your thing, hoff,
Because when you're gone,
There's nobody that will ever take your place...
Except maybe that guy from airwolf.
[laughter]
Well, I guess in closing,
There's just one question to ask you, hoff.
So what you gonna do, brother, when nobody will hire you?
[growls]
- Yeah! [laughs]
[cheers and applause]
"suck it, hoff." oh!
[cheers and applause]
- Our next roaster is pamela anderson...
[cheers and applause]
The sexiest woman in the world of long ago.
[laughter]
Please welcome the bat-shit-crazy,
Raccoon-eyed, hottest chick of the prohibition era,
Pamela anderson!
[cheers and applause]
- Okay. God bless you.
- "god bless you." [laughs]
[cheers and applause]
- Okay, okay. [laughs]
This is fun.
Anyway... [laughter]
Thank you, seth.
Isn't seth adorable?
He has an oil tycoon's money, a baby's face,
And a baby's penis.
[laughter]
You know, I'm not really known for stand-up.
I'm more known for lying down.
[laughter]
Oh, david, I feel your pain.
I know exactly what you're going through,
Except when they roasted me, I was relevant.
[laughter]
It really is awesome to be doing another roast.
You've all grown so much, especially you, lisa.
[laughter]
You know, many people aren't aware of this,
But lisa almost had a part on baywatch.
[lisa laughs]
Unfortunately it was impossible to find a ten-piece bikini.
[laughter]
Actually, you know, I'm really thrilled
Hulk hogan is here, because, you know,
Every roast needs a dumb blonde with huge tits.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
Hulk, you know, you've been through so much
These last few years.
You left your wife.
You moved in with your daughter,
Who looks like your fiancee, who looks like you.
[laughter]
Wow. I think jerry springer just threw up in his mouth.
- Oh!
[laughter]
- Oh, boy, there's george hamilton.
I want nothing to do with that guy.
As a proud member of peta, I don't wear fur...
And I definitely don't talk to leather.
[laughter]
You know, george takes his tanning very seriously.
His coffin's gonna have a sun roof.
Now whitney cummings never has to worry about her skin
Because she sheds it every spring.
Now...
How can we possibly do a roast without jeffrey ross?
No, seriously, how can we do a roast without jeffrey ross?
[laughter]
Because, let's face it, people tune in to these roasts
To see jeff ross
The way they used to tune into baywatch
To see david hasselhoff.
[laughter]
[person cheering]
I remember how nervous I was on my first day of baywatch,
Because I can't swim.
But david was so sweet.
He pulled me aside and said, "don't worry. I can't act."
[laughter and applause]
But, you know, that didn't stop him from giving me pointers.
When we rehearsed a scene, he'd always say, "no, pamela.
Read your lines with more emotion, like this."
[laughter]
And he was right. It works!
[laughter]
David took his role on baywatch very seriously.
You know, one time I actually saw him
Rescue a real person who was drowning.
David pulled the man ashore,
Gave him mouth-to-mouth, and, of course,
The man immediately died of alcohol poisoning.
[laughter]
When we were doing baywatch, people constantly asked me
If david and I ever had sex.
And the truth is I only screwed david once.
When I turned down baywatch nights.
David, I really want to work with you again someday,
But, you know, there is just no roles
For someone like me in gay porn.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
- Yes, there are.
- Are there? Okay. [giggles]
Everyone up here has been makig fun of david's music career,
But I think, you know, there's nothing more romantic
Than opening a bottle of wine, lighting a roaring fire,
And listening to my hasselhoff cds
As they crackle in the flames.
[laughter]
But you know what, david? Our friendship is real.
That's why I'm honored to be here for you.
You've been an inspiration to me throughout my career,
And I can't tell you what a thrill it's been
To overshadow you on a tv show again.
[laughter and applause]
I love you. - Yes!
- Good night.
[cheers and applause]
- That was hysterical. You were great.
- You were great. I love you, hoff.
- Our next roaster is gilbert gottfried.
[cheers and applause]
Just watching him perform,
You can tell he's really got some extra...
What's the word? Chromosomes.
[laughter]
[imitating gilbert] "and I always seem to look
Like someone just squirted lemon juice in my eyes!"
[laughter]
[normal voice] let's all welcoe america's creepy uncle,
Gilbert gottfried.
[cheers and applause]
- Seth macfarlane!
[laughter]
Come on, everyone, take it easy on seth.
It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast,
Especially because the simpsons haven't done it yet.
[laughter and applause]
If onlythe simpsons would wipe its ass
In front of seth macfarlane,
He could learn to do it too!
[laughter]
But sadly, seth macfarlane's bulky ass
Is caked in layers
Of unwiped excrement and shame
Because the simpsons haven't done it yet!
[laughter]
Lisa lampanelli!
I'm told lisa had a little bit of trouble
Choosing what to wear this evening.
She couldn't decide
Between the honey glaze or pineapple slices.
[laughter]
Lisa! I do have one question.
Where are all the black guys
You claim to be having sex with?
Are you trying to tell me in 2010
Black guys still have to fuck monsters like you?
Do you really think that in this day and age...
[laughter]
There's a single black guy
Who would be caught dead
Inside anyone who's the size of a slave ship?
[laughter]
The most degrading thing is whenever a black man
Has sex with lisa she makes him move to the back of her vagina.
One time, I almost got my dick in lisa lampanelli.
Unfortunately, rosa parks refused to get out of the way.
Actually, lisa has an important role
In african-american history.
It turns out the last black man to pick cotton
Was yanking out her tampon!
[laughter, groans, and applause]
Here's a joke.
Pam anderson is walking on a beach.
She stumbles upon a magic lamp.
She rubs the lamp, a genie pops out.
And the genie says, "I'm here to grant you one wish."
Pam says, "I want you to make v.I.P.
The hit show it should have been."
The genie says, "even with all my power, I can't do that.
Uh, can I grant you a different wish?"
So pam says, "okay.
Can you make my vagina tight again?"
And the genie says, "uh, let me take another look at v.I.P."
[laughter and applause]
David hasselhoff walks into a bar...Every morning,
And then he stays there till it closes.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
You know, I've always heard that david hasselhoff
Has sold millions in germany.
But like a lot of stories out of germany,
Those numbers are probably inflated,
If not a complete hoax.
[laughter]
- Oh, god.
- David hasselhoff is running on the beach in slow motion.
He stumbles upon a magic lamp.
He rubs the lamp, a genie pops out and says,
"I'm here to grant you one wish."
David says, "can you make baywatch nights
The hit show it should have been?"
The genie says, "I've seen baywatch nights,
"and even with all my power,
"I can't make that show any good.
You'll have to pick a different wish."
So david thinks and says,
"can you make pamela anderson's vagina tight again?"
[laughter, cheering, and applause]
- I don't get that. - It's--it's just a joke.
[cheers and applause]
- The genie says, "no! No!
"a thousand times...No!
"there's nothing that can be done
About pamela anderso's pussy!"
[laughter]
And then david hasselhoff says,
"okay, can you make me a great singer?"
So the genie thinks and then goes, "alakazam!
You're a great singer."
Well, david hasselhoff
Immediately embarks on a singing tour,
And the genie laughs his ass off.
He goes, "oh, my god!
"look at that hasselhoff out there,
"thinking he can sing!
What an asshole!"
[laughter]
The genie says, "no greater joke
"has ever been played on a dumber target!
They should call him asshole-hoff!"
[laughter]
What a mean-spirited prank
That genie played on that asshole that day!
Good night!
[cheers and applause]
- Very funny.
- Our next roaster is jerry springer...
[cheers and applause]
The most classless human being on daytime tv.
And being the most classless human being on daytime tv
Is quite an achievement...
When your guests are a pregnant ten-year-old
And a fat lesbian.
Ooze on up here, jerry springer.
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, champ.
[cheers and applause]
Hello, everyone.
Uh, you're probably wondering why I'm at this roast,
And I am here because I worked with david
On america's got talent.
Uh, david is here because he doesn't.
[laughter]
Jeez, this is embarrassing.
I'm just glad your career's not alive to see this.
[laughter]
I mean, honestly, in your whole life,
You've never been in anything good...
Except pamela anderson.
[groans, cheers, and applause]
Did you and, uh, pam?
- Uh...
- I tell you what, if you did, smile.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
- Kitt, get me out of here.
[laughter and applause]
Whoo!
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
Yeah. Uh...
- I guess it's only natural that david and I became friend,
Because we're kindred spirits.
On my show, I've had to contend with whores,
Drug addicts, and the mentally unstable.
And, david, you had to deal with pamela anderson,
Nicole eggert, and gena lee nolin.
[laughter]
I really love you a lot.
[laughter]
I'm not very good-looking, but I'm rich as shit.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
Just saying.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
David hasselhoff and I both have been on broadway,
Uh, which is true, playing billy flynn,
The lawyer in the musical, chicago.
The critics actually said, you know, I was okay.
But david sang more like an actual lawyer.
Who knows? Maybe tonight he'll be able to revive
That huge singing career.
David, why don't you sing a few more notes for us?
But before you do, uh, mr. Hogan, would you be so kind
As to deliver a deafening blow to my head?
[laughter]
I'm kidding, of course.
You have to be careful when you say things
Like "head" and "blow" to a fruity like hulk.
[laughter and applause]
Is he lookin' at me?
[laughter]
And now, my final thought...
[cheers and applause]
You know, david hasselhoff is one of a kind.
He's an incredibly driven man
Whose ambition and belief in himself
Has blessed him with phenomenal success.
And despite his utter lack of talent,
He's been able to forge an indelible mark on our culture--
No, rather, the world's culture.
That's why he can go into any country
Anywhere on this planet,
And people will recognize him as a total jerk-off.
Congratulations, david.
[cheers and applause]
- Jerry, thank you.
[cheers and applause]
- Whitney cummings is the next rising star...
Because this business is run by dickheads.
[laughter]
She's a feisty gal with a lot of spunk...
On her neck.
[laughter]
Please welcome whitney cummings.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Hello, gorgeous. - Oh, very excited. Thank you.
Thank you. Wow.
Oh, man, keep it going for not trey parker, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff, george hamilton, hulk hogan--
I think if we've learned anything from tonight,
It's that self-tanner causes you to fail
In the entertainment business.
Look at all these idiots you've attracted.
Lisa lampanelli, pam anderson--
You two women
Are like the sisterhood of the traveling cunts!
[laughter]
Jeff ross, what was that thing in a speedo?
You are disgusting.
Your dick in a speedo
Looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon.
[laughter]
Jeff you are so disgusting.
I wouldn't have sex with you if I was hulk hogan
And you were brooke hogan.
George hamilton is here. Okay, whatever.
George, you're so tan, I'd think you're mexican.
The only difference is that mexicans work.
[laughter]
Lisa lampanelli is here-- so funny.
Lisa, they say women's bodies are like wonderland.
Yours is more like a football field
Because it's 100 yards,
And a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
Lisa, you look like susan boyle fucked snooki.
[laughter]
Lisa, your vagina's like a bad movie.
It opened wide,
And all of the wayans brothers have been in it.
[laughter]
Speaking of we know you're bald,
Just take off the bandana already,
Hulk hogan is here.
You're a disaster.
You're always wearing, like, spandex around your crotch.
You have less sperm in your balls
Than pam has in her mouth right now.
[groans and applause]
Pam, your vagina is like an m. Night shyamalan movie.
Ten years ago, everyone wanted to see it.
But now when people see it, they come out, and they're lik,
"what the fuck was that?
Was it an alien?"
[laughter]
"was it dead?
And what was mark wahlberg doing in there?"
[laughter]
Pam, you've slept with bret michaels, tommy lee,
And kid rock.
Why don't you just save yoursef some time
And drink a vat of magic johnson's blood?
Oh, and by the way, hulk,
All the jokes I just said about pam
Also apply to your daughter.
[all groaning]
- All right, you--you wanna get her?
- It's not worth it.
- You're right.
- And now, for the man of the hour,
Ladies and gentlemen...
Yeah.
David hasselhoff's dick is like a polaroid picture.
Nobody uses it anymore,
And shaking it does not make it appear faster.
[laughter]
And your music is obviously horrible.
I actually tried to buy one of your songs on amazon.Com.
It said, "users who bought this item
Also bought a shotgun."
[laughter]
No, you're such a good sport.
Pam, you're such a good sport.
And, uh, thank you for letting me be here.
This has been a lot of fun. And, uh, thank you so much.
[cheers and applause]
- Very funny. Very funny.
[upbeat music]
- Thank you, thank you.
- You may not know our final roaster, greg girald.
Neither do I.
He's an esteemed judge on last comic standing--
A show that, in seven seasons, has launched nobody.
[laughter]
Please give a tepid obligatory welcome
To a very funny man,
Who, without these roasts, would starve to death--
Mr. Greg giraldo.
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, bud. Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Donny osmond, everybody! Wasn't she funny?
What a fuckin' bore. Holy shit!
He's like an executive produce.
That's who hosts these things now?
Behind the scenes, creative-- whatever the fuck you are.
Holy shit.
Maybe next season we can get the catering guy
From dora the explorer to host.
But you know what?
I do--I do love that--that stewie character on your show.
He's great.
Uh, you made all your money 'cause you created
A fucked-up, criminal baby.
You're like michael lohan.
How--how, uh...
[laughter and applause] how...
How--how cheesy is this dais?
How cheesy is this dais? It's not a roast. It's a melt.
Jerry springer, george hamilton--
Look at these no-talent success stories.
The devil has signed so many deals with you people,
He's got carpal tunnel syndrome.
[laughter]
Pam anderson is here, everybody.
I hope this isn't too direct, pam,
But god, I-I've jerked off to you a lot.
Uh, you--you--you've caused me to spill more seed
Than muhammad ali at a bird feeder.
[laughter]
Pam, you... You have a...
You...
- There's a compliment in there somewhere, right?
- Jeff ross' big mouth is here.
Isn't he... Jeff, what the fuck?
You looked adorable in those little shorts and everything.
You looked like andrew dice gay.
How fat do you plan on getting?
You're fattening up faster than you're aging.
You're like the curious case of benjamin glutton.
You bloated hack--
Your jokes are so old, they knw who george hamilton is.
George hamilton!
You're like-- you're like tang.
You're dry and orange,
And no one has given a fuck about you since 1968.
[laughter and applause]
Hamilton, you're like a walking tumor.
Not exactly--it's a big deal when you spot a tumor.
[laughter]
And, of course, it wouldn't be a roast
Without "pizza" lampanelli here, everybody.
Lisa...Lampanelli. Good to see you, lisa.
I've never seen a circus bear in a pantsuit before.
And you know what?
Lisa seems--
She seems very confident, but she's actually not.
She's very sweet.
She was telling me backstage that she had knots
In all four of her stomachs.
But you are-- you are one fat lady.
You... You have...
[laughter]
You have more chins
Than a chinese fat chick with tons of chins,
'cause she's-- 'cause she's so fat...
And also a cunt.
And speaking of fat cunts, hulk hogan's here, everybody!
How about that?
Hulk, people say you're balding. Balding?
You're balding in the same way that jeff ross is "fatting."
Hulk, I can't imagine why your wife left you.
You're an old man who dresses like a hooters waitress.
[laughter]
Keep--keep your shirt on, bitch tits!
You're 80!
You had a reality show called hogan knows best.
It should have been called hogan grows breasts.
[laughter]
Jerry springer, good to see he slithered in here today.
Uh, springer, you--you cultural sodomite.
You're--you have fist-fucked our civilization
Like gilbert's uncle on valentine's day.
[laughter]
You were an aide to bobby kennedy,
Which probably explains your connection to hasselhoff.
I guess you like to hang around guys
Whose careers end on a hotel floor.
[crowd groaning]
You've done--that's a good fuckin' joke, everybody.
It's what we call roasting.
Anyway, I'm sorry if the meanness has piled up,
But that's what we do here.
And now...
On to the man of the happy hour.
One more hand for the hoff, everybody, huh?
It's about time!
[cheers and applause]
David hasselhoff, what a legend.
Hasselhoff's--hasselhoff's sitting on a lifeguard chair,
'cause that's what you're most known for.
I guess when we roasted pam,
She should have been sitting on a dick.
[laughter and groaning]
- Sorry.
- That is--that is quite a tuxedo.
You look like adam lambert's prom date.
You're--you're huge in europe.
You were even knighted by the queen of England.
She dubbed you "sir osis of liver."
Hass--hasselhoff, have you-- have you ever not been drunk?
You used to have a car that started when you talked to it.
Now you have a car that won't start when you blow into it.
[laughter]
You're such a drunk, when alcohol does its taxes,
It lists you as a dependent.
[laughter]
You're... You're...
[cheers and applause] yes!
You've starred in jekyll and hyde on broadway.
Give him a round of applause for that.
It's excellent acting.
You played a guy-- you played a normal guy
Who drinks something
And then turns into a raging, abusive asshole.
What impressive range.
Maybe--maybe for your next big leap, you can go out
For the part of washed-up, drunken cheeseburger eater.
[laughter]
Hasselhoff, you drunk fuck.
[laughter]
You drink a lot, right?
[laughter]
Your liver is so shriveled, black, and dead,
If you put your ear to your side, you can hear it go,
"whatchu talkin' 'bout, willis?"
[laughter and groaning]
Your... Your liver...
[laughs]
- Oh, jeez. Ah!
- Hasselhoff, you're a good ma. You're a good dad.
Congratulations on being honored here tonight.
I know you've taken a lot of shit,
But you're not gonna remember any of it.
Let's face it, he's probably not.
Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
- Whoo!
- And now it's time for the guest of honor
To have his slur.
He is one of the most controversial
And reviled figures in human history.
His March to infamy began by storming the beaches
With a blond-haired, blue-eyed army of brainless followers.
At the peak of his powers, thousands of germans
Gathered to listen to him stand before a microphone
And spew his hateful, insane croakings.
But soon he was bombed, tanked, and hammered.
And as he lay on the floor of his bunker,
Eating his last meal,
He vowed that one day he would rise again...
Then fall again...
And then throw up and then rise again.
[laughter]
Tonight he returns to face his accusers,
To pull out his dick at the after-party,
And to finally complete his master plan...
To invade pam anderson.
Ladies and gentlemen, stand and salute
The next ruler of the world-- david hasselhoff!
[cheers and applause]
[pop music playing]
♪ ♪
- ♪ forever and always ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
- Wow!
[cheers and applause]
Whoo!
[cheers and applause]
I'm exhausted!
[laughter]
Well, what a night!
This has truly been incredible.
I...
Sincerely want to thank you all for coming
To spend a little time
With a lonely, washed-up, pathetic drunk...
Greg giraldo.
[laughter and applause]
But look at what we've got up here, huh?
Jerry springer, hulk hogan, george hamilton...
[imitating gilbert] and gilbert gottfried.
[normal voice] I mean, if a bob were to hit the stage tonight,
The world would lose...
A bomb.
[laughter]
First of all, seth macfarlane, thank you for not singing.
[laughter]
And thank you for not telling any jokes.
[laughter]
I've heard rumors that you like to drink,
Sometimes maybe a little too much.
Now, be careful, seth.
You don't wanna end up like me--
Tall, handsome, rich, and famos all over the world.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
People always ask me if I had sex
With any of the women on baywatch.
Let's just say, germany isn't the only thing I'm big in.
[crowd cheering]
Because I am the hoff,
International star of stage and screen...
And youtube.
[laughter]
And, pam anderson, my good friend--
Pammy, you look beautiful. - Thank you.
- I know since baywatch, we've gone in different directions.
- Yeah. - Kind of like your nipples.
[laughter]
- Oh, lord.
- But she looks great.
You can still see her running down the beach every day...
From bill collectors.
[laughter]
And I must say, I'm very honored
That the great george hamilton is here.
He is an inspiration!
When I see him, I think,
"man, I hope I look that good in 200 years."
[laughter]
And jerry springer...
Even though we've worked together,
I've only seen your talk show one time.
It was nothing more than skeevy white trash going at it.
No, wait a minute, that was pam's sex tape.
[laughter and groaning]
Hulk hogan, thank you. Thank you for doing this, sir.
You are a legend.
Hulk's been wrestling for over three decades...
With his sexuality.
[laughter]
And he'll tell you,
The hardest thing about winning the championship belt
Is finding shoes to match.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[imitating gilbert] and gilbert gottfried!
[normal voice] good god, you could be my twin brother,
If I had a twin brother...
And he died in the womb.
[laughter]
Miss lampanelli, I'm gonna say something to you
That no one has ever said...
Have you been working out?
[laughter]
Enough of you and more about me.
Now, thanks to me-- [engine turns]
- Excuse me, david.
- Oh, my god. [cheers and applause]
Is that kitt? - No, it's onstar.
Do you need your ambulance again?
Of course it's me, you liquor-blistered imbecile.
- Oh, my god. Kitt, that is you!
I thought that was just a prop.
I haven't seen you since my last bachelor party.
- Yes, the bachelor party.
I finally got that fetid stench of your vomit
Out of my front seat...
And my back seat... - [sighs]
- And my glove compartment...
Cassette deck...
Garage.
- What a night that was.
- Don't worry, the vomit dried up,
Just like your career.
- Gee, kitt, I'd love to talk,
But I'm kind of doing this roast right now.
- David, oh, david...
How can you allow these people to mock you?
- What are you talking about? - You're so talented.
You have so much to give.
Are you ever going to get your life together?
Will there ever be a moment
That I don't have to feel embarrassed for you?
- Yes.
- When, david? When?
- Well, this is the moment.
[this is the moment playing] - what?
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ this is the moment ♪
- Oh, god. David, not now.
- ♪ this is the day ♪
- Please, hoff, don't sing!
- ♪ I send my demons ♪
♪ and cheeseburgers on their way ♪
- Now I'm going to puke.
- ♪ every endeavor ♪
♪ I have made ever ♪
♪ is coming into play ♪
♪ it's here and now today ♪
♪ ♪
♪ this is the moment ♪
♪ damn all the odds ♪
♪ this day or never ♪
♪ I'll sit together with the gods ♪
♪ when I look back ♪
♪ I will always recall ♪
♪ moment for moment ♪
♪ this was the moment ♪
♪ the greatest moment ♪
♪ of them ♪
♪ all ♪
[cheers and applause]
Remember, sometimes life gives you a wake-up call.
It's how fast you get up, not how hard you fall.
Now, you guys wanna party with the hoff?
[all cheering]
Let's go to the party!
Thank you all for coming.
Thank you, everybody!
Yeah, they gave me this little camera
And I was just kinda saying hello to everybody.
I think we should have our own series.
Hamilton and the hoff. - I'd love that.
-Ham and the hoff. -Ham and the hoff.
- Perfect! - [laughing]
- Walking into my-- oh, my god, look at the gifts.
I heard you were trying out your stuff the other night.
- Yeah, I was. - At the improv.
- And a kid came to my house and he said, "be prepared.
He's brutal." - really? No.
They're gonna love it, man. - Yeah.
- Who doesn't love to be the center of attention?
- So long, man.
All right, everyone say, "hi, hi, hi, hi."
Unbelievable. This is ridiculous.
[photographers shouting]
Kind of like-- you know what this is like?
This is like being at your own funeral,
And you're still alive.